Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Time

Off to work again.
I just went to bed.
Round and round I go.


Trying hard to pinpoint at least one unique thing every day. Something to make this day one of the counted days, accounted for.


Round and round I go.

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Bubble

Am I allowed to stay in the bubble?


Every day we meet fresh. No history. Sun is shining. In harmony hugs and kisses are given and received. Gentle chit chat.


Then I ask the forbidden question "how was school?".


...


Nightmare ensues.
Tears. Screaming. Threats. Slammed doors.


Tears.
Tears.
Tears.
Tired.


...


What if I never asked the question?
I wouldn't fulfil my half of the deal with school. But oh my. Oh my.
What if I could just stay there, in the bubble, where we were still friends and my eyes weren't puffy from all the crying and he wasn't locked in his room brooding.

Choices

Take the fight with one or feed the others?
Feed the others and let the one keep believing they are unwanted and unloved?
Take the fight and risk two more fights from the two with low blood-sugar levels caused by lack of food?
Take the fight, not make dinner and efficiently teach the others how to get attention. All the wrong kind of attention. But all the attention I seem to have energy to give...

Saturday, 9 April 2016

Always late

Image by: Wait But Why

I am always late. On the rare occasions I'm not late I'm secretly in shock (you couldn't tell) and rarely know what to do with myself. Since I'm so used to being late all I know is how to sneak in and seem like I've either been busy with something important or pretend I was there all along (never works), or generally produce a quick apology when suitable then blend in to the situation.

But always late.

I read this article on Upworthy and BAM! instant recognition. I don't think I've ever read anything which struck as close to home as this text. Have a read: http://www.upworthy.com/inside-the-heads-of-people-who-are-always-late-as-explained-by-stick-figures?c=ufb1

I don't totally agree with the author (Tim Urban) but all of it gets very close to explaining what's going on.
He writes "But also, what the hell is going on? Late people are the worst. It’s the quality I like least in myself. And I’m not late because I like to smell the roses or because I can see the big picture or because the future is full of infinite possibilities. I’m late because I’m insane."

However I do like to smell the roses and I easily, too easily get sidetracked, I can't say no and I have serious difficulties _stopping_ (e.g. quit doing what I'm doing).

But also, I'm insane.
Simple as that.

I KNEW that.
Did you know that?

So when I'm late it's not because I don't care about you, it's because I'm insane.

But most important - there is no excuse for it.
And.
I need to stop doing it.

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Soothing



This voice.

Angry and frustrated

Last comment from kids school: "Be here, come and spend a day here and see what we do". Total 100% guilt-trip. Who am I to want them to figure out how to make school work for my child? Who am I to want to be able to trust them to have education and good ideas enough to manage to make my child want to go to school, stay in school, survive in school and come out of there with enough knowledge to make it into adulthood? Who am I to want them to provide an environment for my child where it's safe and where death doesn't seem like a better place?

I will absolutely go and spend a day there.

Monday, 29 February 2016

Underwear

Life's too short for bad underwear.
That's still true.
I just rediscovered this place. Will not go anywhere else for underwear (at least until I forget or run into one of those "bargains" again...).