Bubble

Am I allowed to stay in the bubble?


Every day we meet fresh. No history. Sun is shining. In harmony hugs and kisses are given and received. Gentle chit chat.


Then I ask the forbidden question "how was school?".


...


Nightmare ensues.
Tears. Screaming. Threats. Slammed doors.


Tears.
Tears.
Tears.
Tired.


...


What if I never asked the question?
I wouldn't fulfil my half of the deal with school. But oh my. Oh my.
What if I could just stay there, in the bubble, where we were still friends and my eyes weren't puffy from all the crying and he wasn't locked in his room brooding.

Choices

Take the fight with one or feed the others?
Feed the others and let the one keep believing they are unwanted and unloved?
Take the fight and risk two more fights from the two with low blood-sugar levels caused by lack of food?
Take the fight, not make dinner and efficiently teach the others how to get attention. All the wrong kind of attention. But all the attention I seem to have energy to give...

Always late

Image by: Wait But Why

I am always late. On the rare occasions I'm not late I'm secretly in shock (you couldn't tell) and rarely know what to do with myself. Since I'm so used to being late all I know is how to sneak in and seem like I've either been busy with something important or pretend I was there all along (never works), or generally produce a quick apology when suitable then blend in to the situation.

But always late.

I read this article on Upworthy and BAM! instant recognition. I don't think I've ever read anything which struck as close to home as this text. Have a read: http://www.upworthy.com/inside-the-heads-of-people-who-are-always-late-as-explained-by-stick-figures?c=ufb1

I don't totally agree with the author (Tim Urban) but all of it gets very close to explaining what's going on.
He writes "But also, what the hell is going on? Late people are the worst. It’s the quality I like least in myself. And I’m not late because I like to smell the roses or because I can see the big picture or because the future is full of infinite possibilities. I’m late because I’m insane."

However I do like to smell the roses and I easily, too easily get sidetracked, I can't say no and I have serious difficulties _stopping_ (e.g. quit doing what I'm doing).

But also, I'm insane.
Simple as that.

I KNEW that.
Did you know that?

So when I'm late it's not because I don't care about you, it's because I'm insane.

But most important - there is no excuse for it.
And.
I need to stop doing it.

Soothing

This voice.

Happy happy new new

Another year has passed.
I can't say I know more about who I am. But the kids seem to handle the separation with equanimity. I am at a very interesting point in my career.  I manage the cost of owning my own house. I don't have much spare time. But I suppose my spare time is being with the kids right now. Being with the kids and for the kids.
That'll be plenty and it's plenty more than many people have.

True introvert?

I am alone at home, tasked (by myself) with the task of cleaning the house (the entire thing). Haven't done that for an embarrassing amount of time.

Facing this I naturally procrastinate.
I "småplockar" (pick up and sort loose items off the floor and surfaces) in preparation of the big bang activity of running the hoover around the place and try to pep talk myself into why cleaning the house is not a bad thing.

I actually end up realising this is far from a bad thing.
Because when thinking of "things that could be worse than this" I come up with the following:

1. Having to go outside - meaning having to wash up and get dressed properly.
2. Having to go see people - meaning having to act smart, dress smart and be smart.
3. Having to go to an event/party - meaning having to dress up, fix hair and face and think of matching accessories and god do I bring a bag will I sleep over do I have to bring a change of shoes..? 

The two latter have the aspect of "having to meet and interact with people" assumed. This is not something I do if I have an option to not do it.

All of the above are SO much worse than cleaning the house that I ended up being rather cheerful at the prospect of staying in and cleaning the house today.

Yay me.

Yay introversy.

http://www.linusjonkman.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/introvert-vs-extrovert.jpeg

Half and half

1974?

Some time ago I realised I have possibly less years left to live than what I have lived already. Which means I'm at a half way point in life. It's rather fitting, I feel.
I am quite literally at a turning point too.

I am living on my own. Part time with my wonderful, rambunctious, arguing, intelligent, beautiful children. Part time on my own alone. I own my own house (weee!). I have a decent job which magically manages to keep me interested year in and year out (twenty years this year).
I love my body. Not all of the time, not for all of it's quirks, but more and more so as time goes. My body is not perfect, but that's not the point. It's AWESOME, fricken hell the things it has done and the places it has carried me through... :-)

I know I should've done many many things.
Should've. Should have. Schmould have. Never mind. I haven't done them. That's that. Not much I can change about that.
Regret is a wasteful emotion.


Question is, what will I do with the rest of my years? :-)

I was

I was going to write something bitter and/or insightful here regarding separation and the process of forcefully moving someone out of my life.

But I played Warcraft instead.

Life, summed up

I read a poem today, on Reddit. The "assignment" (challenge?) given to readers of the thread was to use a ten word sentence followed by a nine word sentence then an eight word.. etc etc. until you reach the final sentence consisting of just the one word.

The best one by far was entered by user "aquifolly":

In the car on the way home from the hospital.

Half your life in half an hour - infant eternities.

On the bus on your way to school.

Your life blurs past outside the window.

On the train, commuting to work.

Days like hours were, once.

Flying to visit grandchildren.

Teenagers born yesterday.

Final car.

Hearse.

I just think it's a thing of beauty. Life summarised in these ten sentences. :-) I am happy I "wasted" that moment on the internet!

Happy happy new new

My Loves.

Another year has reached its end. A memorable year? Yes, I suppose so.
You live, you learn.
I'm looking forward to getting to know who I am next year. :-)

Have a good one!

Am I escaping reality?

Am I escaping reality?
Yes.
But then again, what else is there to do?

Outlook

A friend of mine posted a wonderful quote on her brand new blog - "Truly Demi":

I generally don't mind Mondays, but still - anything, any word wich can make a day better is good so I'll adopt this into my own internal "positivitron" part of my brain. :-D

I've recently started comforting myself with the words "I'll do better tomorrow", to help myself to stop dwelling on negative things and events from the past day. Another thing I like to tell myself (over and over) is "it gets better every year". Because it's true. :-)
No single event, or thing, has ever made my life take a turn for the worse - every single year has been better than the previous. Sure enough at times some events cost me dearly and took serious time to process, but BY GOD without them I would possibly never be where I am or who I am.
And I really don't want to be anywhere or anybody else! :-)

Mother's Day

Today is mother's day in Sweden.
This cartoon seems fitting (and brought a tear to my eye).

Click to zoom in or select the link below.

http://imgur.com/NVASVsk

Because I can

Cookies and double espresso for dinner. It's my birthday today and the sun is shining. I'll have cookies for dinner - because I'm old enough, because I can. :-D

Little green men

Little green men, my little green men. Those words have taken a different meaning of late. :-)

To the bin

This fridge magnet goes quite unceremoniously into the bin. With it one of the few (the last?) reminders of past bad times.

I kept this one around because it was funny and it reminded me of what we used to joke about in Sydney - "I'm from Sweeeeeden, not Switzerland" just like Austrians had to clarify they were from Austria, not Australia... :-) The magnet/souvernir was also purchased on a trip together with my brother in law. Only that it wasn't me making the trip.
But it's been causing much less joy than the opposite for it's stay with me the past ten years so it is time to let go.

Off you go. Into the bin.
With you the reminder of a corrupt and criminal mind.

Bye! :-)

Why we travel

NYTimes: Monument Valley 2011, EvaGrayzel - photo by Jeremy Cohen

Why we travel - why do we travel?
Why do you travel?

A beautiful photographic article by The New York Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/WHYWETRAVEL.html

I travel because I can. I am unbelievably fortunate to have that ability. To have the means and resources to go places. I am also happy to have the curiosity and the nerve to go. I sometimes (often?) have a need to travel, to get out of my context and restore my perspective to normal proportions.

Happy New 2012

I remember trying to imagine (as a child) how life would be when I was older. A positive thing in all as it meant I planned to live at least another 30 years or so. But I never actually imagined life ANYTHING like this.

I think it's a good thing.

Because I like surprises. :-) I really like not knowing exactly every detail about everything that's going on. The more life I get under my belt the more I also appreciate how insanely vast the number of optional paths are.

No levelling assistance in real life, nope. It's all down to the choices you make. There are SO many choices I have made which I have regret making and if I had been given an opportunity to change them right after they had been made I would've - and this is the important part - if I had I would NEVER have had the life I have right now.

I am so grateful for my life. Thank you 2011 and all years preceeding you. Thank you. I look forward to what 2012 will bring.

Love to all.

Congratulations mate!

We started out as neighbors, became friends. Our friendship survived working together and living in different countries, on different continents. Funny, silly, intelligent, dangerously childish at times - I never thought he'd get married - but he did. And to a fantastic, intelligent, beautiful woman to that. Congratulations Séa, all the best to you and your beautiful new life partner and a light and full future, full of all of life's delights. :-)

We really wish we could've been there to celebrate with you, hope to see you soon anyway!

Five years

Fortunate for us, Warcraft was released AFTER we met. :-D Thank you for five absolutely fantastic years my love. I love you.