Always late

Image by: Wait But Why

I am always late. On the rare occasions I'm not late I'm secretly in shock (you couldn't tell) and rarely know what to do with myself. Since I'm so used to being late all I know is how to sneak in and seem like I've either been busy with something important or pretend I was there all along (never works), or generally produce a quick apology when suitable then blend in to the situation.

But always late.

I read this article on Upworthy and BAM! instant recognition. I don't think I've ever read anything which struck as close to home as this text. Have a read: http://www.upworthy.com/inside-the-heads-of-people-who-are-always-late-as-explained-by-stick-figures?c=ufb1

I don't totally agree with the author (Tim Urban) but all of it gets very close to explaining what's going on.
He writes "But also, what the hell is going on? Late people are the worst. It’s the quality I like least in myself. And I’m not late because I like to smell the roses or because I can see the big picture or because the future is full of infinite possibilities. I’m late because I’m insane."

However I do like to smell the roses and I easily, too easily get sidetracked, I can't say no and I have serious difficulties _stopping_ (e.g. quit doing what I'm doing).

But also, I'm insane.
Simple as that.

I KNEW that.
Did you know that?

So when I'm late it's not because I don't care about you, it's because I'm insane.

But most important - there is no excuse for it.
And.
I need to stop doing it.

Angry and frustrated

Last comment from kids school: "Be here, come and spend a day here and see what we do". Total 100% guilt-trip. Who am I to want them to figure out how to make school work for my child? Who am I to want to be able to trust them to have education and good ideas enough to manage to make my child want to go to school, stay in school, survive in school and come out of there with enough knowledge to make it into adulthood? Who am I to want them to provide an environment for my child where it's safe and where death doesn't seem like a better place?

I will absolutely go and spend a day there.

I was

I was going to write something bitter and/or insightful here regarding separation and the process of forcefully moving someone out of my life.

But I played Warcraft instead.

Not lost

I haven't gotten lost at all this week. That must account for something?

But I wonder when the adrenaline levels will start to normalise themselves?
I jump high when I see my own shadow appear unexpectedly, an occasional street sign have made me jump too. I SWEAR a particular street sign right outside my office looks just like an 'enderman' (Minecraft)... :-D (like a little too tall, too skinny, totally black figure which can teleport and scare the sh*t out of you...)
I meet people, releaved every time I realise they're just walking dogs or that they are women. I have nearly stopped dead in my tracks as I rounded a corner and happened on somebody innocently standing there smoking.

But I keep walking, certain that soon all of this will feel totally illogical and a little embarrassing. :-)

Am I escaping reality?

Am I escaping reality?
Yes.
But then again, what else is there to do?

Haiiiaah!

Haiiiahhh!

This here photo made me happy. Ya need that every now and then. :-)

No good

I tried and I tried, to no avail.

Even with 16 external GB filled up I didn't succeed to free up enough space to install my new Christmas gift. Bleh.

Ignorance is NOT bliss

I know the symptoms quite well now, after thirty odd years of menstruation. I know them too well. I know all about the periodic bloating, the gathering of water in tissue making me increase one size in clothes for a few days per month. I know all about the mood swings, the illogical dip in self-esteem and the sudden lack of faith in my own abilities and sense of own value.

I know all about cramps. Pains of all kinds of different flavors from the early dull pain to the full on "kick in the midriff" type in the middle and the soreness towards the end.

I know too much about worrying about stains on my clothes from failing pads and tampons. I know quite well how much more toilet paper is spent on cleaning out veritable bloodbaths in the bathroom that time of the month.

I know enough to accept and compensate for most of these symptoms, I know they're for a good reason. All but one.

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS BLOATING THING???

Why on earth would my body repeatedly do that to itself?? I am sure if I understodd why it wouldn't annoy me so much, but now I don't and it does. Annoy me a lot.

This particular area of ignorance is certainly not one that brings me any joy.

Vacation

The only problem with a really really good vacation is that it will come back to haunt you.

I once went here, how can I ever top that?

It doesn't come back quite as often nowadays but hey when it does... blech. Need to focus on something else now! X-)

All photos borrowed from Lizard Island's own webbsite.

Feet

I tell you, perhaps I have to realise this is just another phobia of mine? Definitely one of the downsides to summer - naked feet.

I love babies feet (I could eat them!).
I don't mind a pair of reasonably clean, neat feet.
I don't mind a pair of tanned feet with painted toenails.

Problem is, not all feet fall into the categories above. Far from! Blech. I really really think calloused feet furnishing long yellow toenails with brown/green edges of dirt is just too much to stomach. What's worse is that when the owner of these feet are seated on a "high seat" in the bus and you're stuck slightly below them watching over your toddler and stroller you get just a little too much time to look at them. I hate it! Blech!

Being an adult

Being an adult, acting like a grown-up is awfully hard. Especially when you're not feeling well. That's my conclusion for the day. I wanted to be pitied, pampered and cared for. I didn't want to be strong and a good mother. But yet that's what I have to be.

I now totally understand what my sister has been going through for the past three years. To me it's going to be a painful process, this whole growing up business... *sigh*

Complicated communication issues

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that I haven't had a voice in four days now? Because last night I was in a totally foul mood but as I had absolutely no way to express my feelings I fell asleep instead.

I was cross because I felt that S had left me all on my own with baby and a raging cold (and I mean a RAGING cold). He had so many important things to do at work. It's not fair to be cross with S, I know. But I spent two entire days just barely staying on my feet, crying and doing nothing else but feed our son and change his diaper when it needed changing. Tobias and I was sitting in front of the TV as zombies (he was a very restless little zombie I was a more near-death zombie). It was a horrible feeling, blech! I felt very lonely as all I wanted to do was curl up and die, but that's not really an option when you have a babe to care for.

So last night I really wanted to have a go at S for EVERYTHING. Naturally that wouldn't have been particularly creative, no. I mean, it's not his fault I'm having a cold. It's not his fault I am so lousy at expressing my needs either. Right.

So I think the conclusion is that for now, it's a blessing that I actually can't speak when I first feel the urge to say something. Wonder if I can bring this knowledge with me past the point of recovery?

Tom Ka Gai therapy

Not until after some therapy with a rounded and mildly spiced Tom Ka Gai soup have I regained a fragment of a voice. Extraordinary. Still tired though, so I think I'll have a nap now.

Still voiceless

Can breathe better now, after an anti-histamine tablet and some cortisone nose spray. Can swallow too. It feels more like a table knife cutting through my throat when I do, than the handful of really sharp knifes it felt like this morn.
But I still have no voice.

It's interesting, I notice S have started to talk for both of us suddenly. Tobias gave me a rather curious look when I was hissing something at him earlier (mommy's making funny new sounds).

I'm tired.

Voiceless

:-(

My throat hurts this morning. It was pretty bad yesterday, but this morning I've had a couple of instances where the inability to breathe and swallow has had me wondering if I should have to call 112.

:-( I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it!

I've had a Vicks Blue, could barely swallow the melting result of it. I've had a shower, it didn't help. I'm trying to have a cup of tea, fingers crossed it will help ease the pain. :' (
I'm trying to stay calm and not move around so I have to take deep breaths (because it won't work). My entire head hurts and I'm tired but I don't dare to lie down. :'(

I really hope our son doesn't inherit this particular dysfunction from me. It's much better to inherit his dad's way of dealing with a sore throat (caughing).

Curled

On an impulse I added rollers to my hair when we came back from today's visit to the pool (baby swimming lesson) and by the time it was time to go to the evening's birthday party I had lots of manageable curls in my hair. :-D

Despite the somewhat "American housewife" style of styling (according to S) it's the first time in a long long while I have left my hair hanging loose and liking it. :-) Have to save some money for a perm later this year. :-)

Mommified

It's official. I am lost. If I ever was boring at parties it's now gone from bad to worse.
I'm officially "mommified" - I can not talk about anything else but babies and baby related subjects. Oh help me. :-o

I was sitting next to a very nice girl at the party yesterday, I have met her several times before and know her a little. But I still weren't able to talk about anything else but babies. Every time I tried to think of something to ask her about her work or anything my mind went totally blank. A very unpleasant experience in all. I hope it's not permanent!

Never trust a Norwegian with a sandwich

I left S in the lounge for approximately 30 seconds while preparing a cup of tea and bringing it back with me. Look what happened! Norwegians are infamous for their sandwich eating habits - anytime is a good time for a sandwich in that country - which makes it dangerous to leave an innocent sandwich alone with one of them... X-D

Isn't it ironic...

Just as I have decided to stop this nonsense - writing a blog in English, when my first language is Swedish and as I am convinced absolutely nobody except my sister and S reads this blog (and they're both fluent Swedish readers), just as I've created three entries in Swedish I get my first "external" comment, in English...

What? Hmhh... Eeek! I have painstakingly gone through the pro's and con's of the language used and decided to let go of the English to let the Swedish weave its somewhat more casual threads in here instead.

Sure, I know I have sent this link to a few English speaking friends, but as far as I know nobody actually reads it. So turning the blog into Swedish would make very little difference. Then again as I was doing the maths on which language to use I thought of the fact that I might need the practice. Even though my "Australian days" are long gone and the chances of me migrating to an English speaking country again are slim, it's still good to keep at least a speck of the language alive.

Uh.
It's too late for this type of decision making. Indeed.

Bad conscience

I get a bad conscience when I spend time alone when we're at home together. It's weird. Or, perhaps it's not so much bad conscience as a feeling I should be where S is and not on my own. We spend so much time apart all day long on an average weekday so I feel like I want to "buffer up" some quality S-time during evenings and weekends... :-)

I suppose it's love. It'll pass. ;-)

The comforting thought is that he feels right about as bad as I do. That means we've got the basics 'down'. We both want the same, however practicalities makes it silly to force the togetherness. :-)
I mean, it's not as we're not in the same house, maximum one floor apart. :-)